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MekMak's Amazing Adventures
By Popular Request

Hello friends!

It is me that is your friend that is MekMak The Brave (Kobold) that is what everybody calls me because I am Brave and named MekMak!

I have had lots of friends writing to me to tell me that they want me to read the letters that they write to me and in the letters they tell me that they want me to write more about my amazing adventures!!!

So! Last time I wrote I was just a young kobbykin of only 20! Can you imagine me so young now! Can you believe it has been so long that I am now MORE THAN 20!!! Talk about the clock flying away!!

So I think that my friends are wanting to hear about how this older and wisser wizzer smarter kobold who is MORE THAN 20 has been doing amazing adventures because that is what they asked me in their letters that they were writing to me in their letters that they were writing.

My latest adventure that I did was with 20 fishies and a shoe and a tiger stuck in a tree. I don’t know how they all got up there in the tree but when I tried to help the fishies by throwing some water up to them the tiger told me to stuff it and that I was very rude because I threw water up to them but it was the fishies I was throwing the water up to and not the tiger so I told him to stuff it because it was the fishies I was throwing the water up to and not the tiger so he tried to jump on me but it was too far down so he fell on me and then he was asleep or something so I took his shoe.

So my friends you can see this last few years have been very busy with fishies and shoes! I have been collecting shoes ever since I took a shoe off a tiger who was stuck in a tree so now I have a shoe!

From MekMak The Brave (Kobold)!!

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Mikmeks adventir logg parrt too!!

Wel!!!! Tork abowt a tern-abowt for the book!!! And I dont mind teling yu!!! This mornnin I wos worlkin too the shopps for sum milc or woteva the hoomans corl that wite stuf that coms from coos that thay drink and poot in kakes and yool neva gess!!! I sor me old frend MOKMOK!!!!!! Wee had such a larf! Eniway wee went too the shopps for sum milc becos thats wot I wos doing befor I sor me old frend MOKMOK and he wos with me becos I sor him on the way. So wee went for sum milc and wee got lorst and went to a shopp that dusnt sell milc but insted it wos a shopp that sels sum weerd stuf lik poshens and stiks that make majic com out of them when yu point them at the baddys and make funy noises. So MOKMOK deesided hee wonted a go and grabed wun of the majic stiks that make majic com out of them and made sum funy noises and the shoppkeeepa ternd intoo a ostridj!!!!!!!!! Hee wos runing around like an ostridj becos thats wot hee wos!!! MOKMOK grabed me and wee got on top of a tayble and climd up to the rooof that wos too hi for the shoppkeeepa that wos an ostridj to reech us. But!!!!! I lorst my hat!!! MOKMOK sed it wos a stoopid hat enyway but I punshd him 20 tims and he sed he ment it wos a gud hat insted so I stopd punshing him. After 20 cloks the shopkeeepa ternd bak into a hooman and hee sed bluddy kobols git out. Wee went out but!!! We went in the rong dor!! Orl of a sudn ther wos 20 peepl lookin at us with the peepl wer wareing dark robs with huds. There wos som chork on tha groun in a cercl but!!! They didn dror the cercl veri gud becos there wos hooman scribls around it too and I think it hert one of them becos they wer insid the cercl and they wer bleedin a bit and they had ther hed off. Orlso there wos a gost hoo wos appeering butt wen the peepl sor us they stopd the yelin they wos doing too chais us insted. One of them tripd and fel intoo the cercl and hee screemd and the gost grabd him and they disapered. MOKMOK likd the milc but I think it wosnt meety enuf.

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Mikmeks adventir logg

Wel!!!! Tork abowt a tern-abowt for the book!!! And I dont mind teling yu!!! If I coold cownt it on my finger I wood have twenti!!!!!! So ferst I herd that uncl Sootscale wos seling stuf to the weerd dworvs and that is supozed too be a bad thing but the not weerd dworvs that I think ar stil sumtimes weerd too didnt tel us that it wos a bad thing so I think it wos a bit unfar that it wos uncls folt. O and aparantli hee iznt my reel uncl becos the not weed dworfs sed that hee wosnt in the same eg as mumm or sumthing I dont no. Butt!!! Hee iz hapi now!!! Hee got a beter pozishen now and eevn tho hee iznt my reel uncl I stil sed uncl I em hapi for yu too!!! I think I need a noo hat.

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A song to start singing in the taverns
A First Draft, from Snorri's songbook

[NB the beat is the wonderful shanty ‘Roll the Old Chariot’ (esp the chorus), which is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49FWp7WLYKw]

An Ode for Drelev who has brought this on himself

Well have ye heeeard ‘bout the tyrant in the keep?
Have ye heeeard that he fears to go to sleep?
Have ye heeeard ’bout the butchers in the streets?
Someone’s come to end their streak!

Are they heeeeroes coming from the East!
Are they aaaaangels coming from the skies?
Are they fuuuuries coming from below?
They will drag the baron down!

Well have ye heaaaard ‘bout the raid on Drelev’s town?
Have ye heaaaard how they took the giants down?
Have ye heaaaard that they’ve come to free our town?
From the tigers and that clown!

Are they heeeeroes coming from the East!
Are they aaaaangels coming from the skies?
Are they fuuuuries coming from below?
They will drag the baron down!

Welcome heeeeroes coming from the East!
Welcome aaaaangels coming from the skies!
Welcome fuuuuries coming from below!
Let’s all drag the baron down!

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The Battle of Tatzlford
A Short Lay

NB: This is probably not for xp since I’m cheating here, being not exactly a poet; I’ve “adapted” the opening to a maybe-famous Old English poem, the Battle of Brunanburh, which you can read here: http://www.brunanburh.org.uk/asc-poems/asc-poem-english
If you want to see how terrifyingly far from modern English actual Old English looks (hint: it is not about adding ye olde to things), they’ve got that too: http://www.brunanburh.org.uk/asc-poems/asc-poem-anglo-saxon

PS it totally all rhymes in dwarfish, just saying
++

Viscount Snorrï, Baron of Barons,
Patron of heroes, and his son also,
Yngvï Snorrïson, won eternal glory,
With Stormbringer Tansï and Battlepriest Rodgä,
In battle with sword edges
Around Tätzlford. Also Ambrosius was there.
They split the shield-wall,
Hewed down trolls with the finest of hammers.
The heroes of Skæggland,
It was only befitting their noble descent
From their ancestors, that they should defend
Their land in battle against each hostile people,
Horde and home. The enemy perished,
Trolls and Tiger-lilies,
Fated they fell. The field flowed
With the blood of warriors, from sunup
I’th’morning when the glorious star
Glided over Trastan, the Allfather’s lamplight,
Eternal lord, ‘til that noble creation
Sank to its seat. There lay many a warrior
By spears destroyed; Western men
Shot over their shields, likewise Southerners too
Weary, war-sated.

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some journal pages

17 Palesun

We’re on the road, and it’s been a busy couple of weeks, dear journal. First that ambitious little kobold bastard – dealt with through diplomacy, selling him on taking a demotion as an honour, the nitwit. I’ve installed Rezbin as viceroy instead – he’s trustworthy and knows what he’s doing, unlike his predecessor in the role. But I digress. Then we ended up in a horrific series of portal-jumps and Yngvï has… found a new friend. Some kind of automaton, I think. It’s good for him, I’ve been worried he might be jealous now Xinn’s been promoted to my personal hussar. In any rate he has a pet automaton now – it’s quite impressively intelligent in some ways and has been helping Saren with the ‘pink goo’ problem. Oh and hasn’t that just gotten out of control! Saren has shifted into the aether to try and deal with it, which is worrisome. We’ve been putting off a decision about what to do about him.

Of course, then a dragon showed up out of nowhere. YES AN ACTUAL DRAGON. Covered in this awful fungus too – in the poems the dragons aren’t covered in fungus. Maybe I’ll pen a short lay about this one. I had remembered his name from somewhere, Thingo the death master or something. Anyway we managed to bring it down and its burnished skull will make a lovely addition to the castle gates.

I thought a nice little trip to do some mapping would clear our heads – but because the gods enjoy terrible jokes we waltzed straight into some kind of ancient fey-guarded elvish fortress – still inhabited by an ancient elvish vampire of some kind. We almost all became thralls, but thankfully Tansÿ saw through her illusions and busted us out. Least that’s what she said happened. She’s becoming extremely powerful, and I’m very glad she’s on our side. But I do worry she’ll eventually tire of us. She is half elfish after all, even if she’s got a good dwarfy fire in her belly! There is always that possible solution to keep her around… not for my sake, of course! For the good of the realm, you understand.

20 Palesun

Tansÿ has taken off. While out surveying the region mapping we stumbled across two cyclopses performing some kind of heinous ritual (they mentioned Sharptooth? I thought that was a fake kobold idol – must look into). We were outmatched, until Tansÿ just, well, destroyed them. Herself. I know I’ve been trying to teach her how to embrace her inner rage, but… Loki’s arse she’s a one woman cannon battery! And then she just left. Did I mention I was worried, before?

Well, we’ll keep mapping the southern borderlands. She’ll catch up.

2 Highsun

THOR’S BEARD THEY FARM TRICERATOPSIES DOWN HERE I MUST ACQUIRE THEM

Ides of Firedays

Yngï dragged me to the Wyvern’s Head to see a kobold panto. ‘Wizards and Chickens’. I still don’t understand the lad’s fascination with the scaly little bastards, but the worst part is – the production was actually quite good. Part of the reason was that Marlow and his Uncanny Troubadours actually deigned to come to our little town to perform! Very exciting, and utterly wasted on such a facile little script, but they gave the whole proceedings some verve, and that part with the mushroom was very avant-garde.

28 Firedays

She’s back.

1 Firewane

We’ve decided something needs to be done about this mess with the pink goo syndrome. Saren’s been gone a couple of months now and our quarantined sick bay seems to be, I don’t ken, sick itself. We’ve decided in council to go ourselves to visit the capital and seek out the revered (and, I will guess, fractured) minds who run the Sealed College. Maybe they’ll know something about this disease or these gith-ankeys (people’re mixed up in some kind of space whaling enterprise, apparently).

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blatant xp grab... I mean new log
A letter

Snorrï to Mesym and Cedric, Greetings.

A quick missive from our western borderlands, sent by way of Tätzlford – we’ve finally mapped out the foothills (see, Mesym? I haven’t entirely forgot what our king sent us out here for in the first place!) and we’ve taken a look at that strange castle the gnomes warned us about. They really should have been more specific! It looks like some kind of ancient – really ancient – elfish fortress. Defended by some fae and – of course! – still inhabited by some kind of ancient elfish vampire(?) Very dangerous, but dead now. I think.

Anyway, have a look into the budget and see if we can’t kit out a cleanup crew from the guard (and any volunteers), I want to see the golden pipes flying over this place before the year is out. They’ll need some masons as well, and for sure certain a mage and someone from the temple. Oh and see if Saren is up to getting us some see-invisibility scrolls for the new garrison. Until we’ve got a decent presence here I don’t trust this place. Too many trees for one thing!

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Yngvii's Adventure Log

I don’t know why I’m writing this to tell you the truth. Who am I telling the truth to anyway? Me? I’m the only one that had better ever see this…

So for the first time since that psycho elf nearly freeze-dried me to death I thought I was done for today. I gotta tell you that being stabbed with a rapier HURTS. Say what you will about magic healing but that is not something I want to feel again. No wonder they drop so quickly when mine finds its target.

To add insult to injury I ended up getting enthralled by some vampire dancer or something. I can’t remember much. I only remember feeling weak and then suddenly filled with such rage I’ve never experienced before. I swear I was a living conduit for pure anger towards that creature. My rapier found its target, that’s for sure. I think it made me more angry that it was so quick for her after what she put me through. Anyway, she’s dead now so no point thinking about her any further.

She could dance though…

I’m looking forward to finding out how Mr Eleven is going when we get back to town. Maybe his logic can complement my up and down emotions from today.

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A page from Snorri' journal

Letter from the king today – all of our good work is paying off! He’s promoted me Viscount Skæggland and raised little Yngï and our friends to knighthoods. He’s also formally recognised our claim to Varn’s old lands – I was a bit worried about that one! But it should help keep the peace with the horsefolk. Xanthippe (note to self: find out if that’s how to spell it) seemed ok with sending over a contingent. I wonder how many of them would like to work for us. It’d be good to have an inexpensive cavalry wing!

So, didn’t tell his Maj that Varnhold castle burned down.. Probably for the best. I don’t know where that fiery stormy rune came from, but there’s some real potential there if I can remember how to draw it again. And ever since, Tansy’s been giving me these really weird looks in the hallways, too…

Odin’s beard, almost forgot – Saren translated those books we found in Vordekai’s lair – lots of nonsense about darkness and voids and doom (so, that’s grand) and also what look like summoning spells for some sort of creature called Hagabaga or something. But parts of it are clearly a diary (not as nice a one as you, o journal my journal!) and mention the lich’s failing power, and his designs on us. So, mixed news there, overall.

What’s on tomorrow? Planning approval for some new trash dumps, and we’ve got to set up some decent transit for the Varnie exiles. Also guess better pay attention to this whole ‘two mages running amok’ situation.

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An Epistle

Snorrï, Baron of Skjæggland, to his Majesty the King of Aurian, greetings!

Yer Highness, I write to inform you of recent events in the Stolen Lands. It is my grim duty to say that Baron Varn now feasts with his ancestors, as do many of the people of Varnhold. A witch by the name Nyrissa (and who possibly uses Nyska as an alias) ensorcelled the town and led them to their doom at the hands of a fearsome evil creature, far in the mountains beyond the centaur lands. She also saw to it that the town was occupied by wicked stretch-gnomes (I believe in common they are ‘spriggans’). We were too late to save Varn, but we have rescued some few of the people of Varnhold and these last days retook the town of Varnhold.

If it please yer Majesty, I have taken the liberty of bringing Varnhold and its territory under the control of Skjæggland, for the time being. Some rebuilding will be necessary, and the survivors we shall resettle there from Kazarâm’s treasury. We have, by fortune, entered into friendly relations with the grand centaur tribes living in these parts, and I confidently expect an alliance to blossom.

I am all the same troubled by the continued machinations of this Nyrissa – we have reason to believe she was behind not only the loss of Varnhold, but had also stirred up the recent attacks by trolls and bugbears against Kazarâm.

I send our annual crown gold with this missive.

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